Parenting: The Biggest Guilt Trip of All Time
Having a child is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. It's the most rewarding, exhilarating, heart-stopping, exhausting and amazing job there is. However, like most parents, I feel guilt from time to time: working and not spending enough time with them, having to put work first instead of going to Sports Day to or a special school assembly, not being on top of all of the school goings-on. All this stuff is normal; it's what every working parent goes through.
However, if you have a chronic condition, parenting becomes a little bit stickier to get through. Here are a few things I've learned and hopefully they will be helpful for other parents with similar conditions.
Energy
We don't have any. So rather than beating ourselves up about not being able to take our children to the park after school, or remembering their snack every day, let's be realistic on low energy days. Get your child to help out with the cleaning or cooking - small ones especially love spending time with their parent and they love helping. They won't really be helping much but that's not the point. The point is to keep them safe and busy. It's okay to put the TV on or let them play with their X Box/ Nintendo/ tablet - the Parental Police will not be kicking down your door today, the ONE day you've decided to slow down time in order to look after that precious energy..
Remembering Stuff
At one point, my whole house was covered in sticky notes. Now, I use other tools to keep track of things - a personal organiser for all of my appointments, catch ups, ad hoc things, and my phone - which you will have to surgically remove from me - for reminders, note-keeping, shopping and to do lists. I'll confess there are still sticky notes on the fridge but my addiction is improving, promise! I find if I don't do something right away, I'll forget it right away so I also keep a little notebook in convenient places. My reminders are short and also help me to prep for other reminders, e.g. the day before 'parent teacher meeting 3.50pm' is 'prep qu's for teacher meeting' and so on. It sounds over the top but honestly, it's a bloody godsend!
School
Just like other normal people, not all teachers will be walking encyclopaedias about your condition so it's worth letting them know about the impact of your condition at the start of the school year, and highlighting it again in parent-teacher meetings. You're not making excuses; you're putting things into context for them and giving them the whole picture, instead of the very small part they see of you at pick up time.
Socialising (You and Your Child)
I'd love to join parents in cafes after morning drop offs or hang out in the park after school but this is really hard when you're balancing your energies. As hippy like as I sounded just then, it can have debilitating effects if I don't look after myself. However, I do try to arrange play dates, usually on weekends when I've had a few hours to do very little. I love getting to know people but I can only really do one thing on any given day. So if I haven't yet invited you round, or I'm standing by the door at pick up time, this usually means I'm really out of it (see future the post about symptoms and invisibility).
Days Out
I don't think I know anyone else who strategises this much about a day out - how long will it take to get there? are there services along the way? are there places to sit when we get there? do they have mobility scooters?. The thought of large amusement parks and big soft play areas fill me with dread but if I can sit down then I tend to push aside the other stuff. Some MSers have a terrible time with specific types of noise (see symptoms blog) and it can really bring on a headache. Mind you, I sometimes hear from other parents who feel the same way!
Using Your Resources
Asking for help is really, really hard, I know. But if you don't ask for help from those around you or try to plan it in for when you need to use it, you are likely to be overwhelmed during school holidays and weekends in particular. If you haven't any family around you, think about who you might trust your children with or to help you in the house for a bit. If you have young ones, are there any playgroups that are supervised and that you can sit at whilst watching them?
Thinking of the Week Ahead
I always think weekends are a killer. I think this is because of the work I put into things like batch freezing or thinking through what quick things I might be able to cook during the week. Planning is really useful as long as I can have flexibility. If I'm particularly affected one day, then I can commute a chicken traybake to scrambled eggs on toast and my family are none the wiser!
Routine
Children love routine but so do people with terrible memories. If you get into the habit of doing certain things at particular times, you'll soon have a 'what have I forgotten?' feeling and it will come to you much quicker. I also find myself more efficient when I know what's coming.
The gist of this is, you're doing your best, you're a great parent and are raising a decent child. How do I know this? Well, if you weren't mildly neurotic about your parenting, then you wouldn't care enough about whether or not you were doing it correctly nor would you be reading this. When you feel guilty, write down a list of all the brilliant things you have done for your family, small or large. Quality over quantity. Focus on the unconditional mutual love you have for each other and on what you're giving back to the universe.
However, if you have a chronic condition, parenting becomes a little bit stickier to get through. Here are a few things I've learned and hopefully they will be helpful for other parents with similar conditions.
Energy
We don't have any. So rather than beating ourselves up about not being able to take our children to the park after school, or remembering their snack every day, let's be realistic on low energy days. Get your child to help out with the cleaning or cooking - small ones especially love spending time with their parent and they love helping. They won't really be helping much but that's not the point. The point is to keep them safe and busy. It's okay to put the TV on or let them play with their X Box/ Nintendo/ tablet - the Parental Police will not be kicking down your door today, the ONE day you've decided to slow down time in order to look after that precious energy..
Remembering Stuff
At one point, my whole house was covered in sticky notes. Now, I use other tools to keep track of things - a personal organiser for all of my appointments, catch ups, ad hoc things, and my phone - which you will have to surgically remove from me - for reminders, note-keeping, shopping and to do lists. I'll confess there are still sticky notes on the fridge but my addiction is improving, promise! I find if I don't do something right away, I'll forget it right away so I also keep a little notebook in convenient places. My reminders are short and also help me to prep for other reminders, e.g. the day before 'parent teacher meeting 3.50pm' is 'prep qu's for teacher meeting' and so on. It sounds over the top but honestly, it's a bloody godsend!
School
Just like other normal people, not all teachers will be walking encyclopaedias about your condition so it's worth letting them know about the impact of your condition at the start of the school year, and highlighting it again in parent-teacher meetings. You're not making excuses; you're putting things into context for them and giving them the whole picture, instead of the very small part they see of you at pick up time.
Socialising (You and Your Child)
I'd love to join parents in cafes after morning drop offs or hang out in the park after school but this is really hard when you're balancing your energies. As hippy like as I sounded just then, it can have debilitating effects if I don't look after myself. However, I do try to arrange play dates, usually on weekends when I've had a few hours to do very little. I love getting to know people but I can only really do one thing on any given day. So if I haven't yet invited you round, or I'm standing by the door at pick up time, this usually means I'm really out of it (see future the post about symptoms and invisibility).
Days Out
I don't think I know anyone else who strategises this much about a day out - how long will it take to get there? are there services along the way? are there places to sit when we get there? do they have mobility scooters?. The thought of large amusement parks and big soft play areas fill me with dread but if I can sit down then I tend to push aside the other stuff. Some MSers have a terrible time with specific types of noise (see symptoms blog) and it can really bring on a headache. Mind you, I sometimes hear from other parents who feel the same way!
Using Your Resources
Asking for help is really, really hard, I know. But if you don't ask for help from those around you or try to plan it in for when you need to use it, you are likely to be overwhelmed during school holidays and weekends in particular. If you haven't any family around you, think about who you might trust your children with or to help you in the house for a bit. If you have young ones, are there any playgroups that are supervised and that you can sit at whilst watching them?
Thinking of the Week Ahead
I always think weekends are a killer. I think this is because of the work I put into things like batch freezing or thinking through what quick things I might be able to cook during the week. Planning is really useful as long as I can have flexibility. If I'm particularly affected one day, then I can commute a chicken traybake to scrambled eggs on toast and my family are none the wiser!
Routine
Children love routine but so do people with terrible memories. If you get into the habit of doing certain things at particular times, you'll soon have a 'what have I forgotten?' feeling and it will come to you much quicker. I also find myself more efficient when I know what's coming.
The gist of this is, you're doing your best, you're a great parent and are raising a decent child. How do I know this? Well, if you weren't mildly neurotic about your parenting, then you wouldn't care enough about whether or not you were doing it correctly nor would you be reading this. When you feel guilty, write down a list of all the brilliant things you have done for your family, small or large. Quality over quantity. Focus on the unconditional mutual love you have for each other and on what you're giving back to the universe.
