When Do You Tell Your Children About Your MS?
Telling children about a health issue agonises most parents who have a chronic condition - when do I tell them? how do I do it?
If you are diagnosed when your children are young, there are typically only three outcomes: you can tell them now, when they're older enough to understand the situation or let them find out on their own. As the latter is quite unusual, and presuming they discover the diagnosis at the same time, I'll concentrate on the first two options.
If you normalise MS, it doesn't feel like something terrible and children seem to accept it very quickly. You can head off any concerns they might have and if they really don't want to talk about it any more, the likelihood is they'll interrupt you and put on a new episode of Peppa pig or Pokémon. This might seem like a rejection, particularly if you've spent all week preparing for the discussion, but it's really important they are allowed time to reflect and absorb the situation.
Cons
If your children are very young, they may not understand and the topic might frighten them, no matter how much you try to head this off. At this point, you might want to strategically throw the MS acronym into conversation: "Oops, silly MS words!" "That's Mummy's MS brain again!" and so on.
Like with most things, young children absorb the information, think on it and then hit you out of left field with a barrage of questions when you least suspect it (sometimes deviously at bedtime). Try to pre-empt any questions and be prepared at all times!
The most obvious pro is that they really get what you're saying. No 'ifs' or 'buts'; they'll fully understand. You can also use some of the brilliant publications out there for kids, such as the publications sections of the MS Society and MS Trust websites. Any questions they're too afraid to ask, kids can look up online (...see cons too).
Cons
Kids may throw you questions at the point you tell them however they may also look up something on their own and visit the wrong website (you know the ones!), where they will be fed lots of false information. Give them websites you trust and tell them if they come across any scary information (or 'cures'!), to come and talk to you about it so you can set the record straight.
Ultimately, the decision to tell your children is your own and no one should judge you for the path you take. If you decide to hold off, be sure they won't find out by accident or through someone else; it's much better coming from you. Be prepared for an open discussion and encourage questions, no matter how tricky they can be.
In honour of MS Awareness Week, tune in tomorrow for information on asking for reasonable adjustments.
If you have enjoyed reading my blog and would like to be notified of new posts and information from other organisations, please follow me at https://www.facebook.com/myMSbullyandme
If you are diagnosed when your children are young, there are typically only three outcomes: you can tell them now, when they're older enough to understand the situation or let them find out on their own. As the latter is quite unusual, and presuming they discover the diagnosis at the same time, I'll concentrate on the first two options.
Telling them when they're young
ProsIf you normalise MS, it doesn't feel like something terrible and children seem to accept it very quickly. You can head off any concerns they might have and if they really don't want to talk about it any more, the likelihood is they'll interrupt you and put on a new episode of Peppa pig or Pokémon. This might seem like a rejection, particularly if you've spent all week preparing for the discussion, but it's really important they are allowed time to reflect and absorb the situation.
Cons
If your children are very young, they may not understand and the topic might frighten them, no matter how much you try to head this off. At this point, you might want to strategically throw the MS acronym into conversation: "Oops, silly MS words!" "That's Mummy's MS brain again!" and so on.
Like with most things, young children absorb the information, think on it and then hit you out of left field with a barrage of questions when you least suspect it (sometimes deviously at bedtime). Try to pre-empt any questions and be prepared at all times!
Telling them when they're old enough
ProsThe most obvious pro is that they really get what you're saying. No 'ifs' or 'buts'; they'll fully understand. You can also use some of the brilliant publications out there for kids, such as the publications sections of the MS Society and MS Trust websites. Any questions they're too afraid to ask, kids can look up online (...see cons too).
Cons
Kids may throw you questions at the point you tell them however they may also look up something on their own and visit the wrong website (you know the ones!), where they will be fed lots of false information. Give them websites you trust and tell them if they come across any scary information (or 'cures'!), to come and talk to you about it so you can set the record straight.
Typical questions I've faced (mine is quite young)
- How do we get MS?
- Do children get MS?
- What actually happens?
- Will I get MS?
- Will you die?
Tips for talking to your children
- Don't make a big deal of it.
- If they've had enough, let it go and revisit at another opportune time.
- Don't tell them before rushing off to something, like a swimming lesson or at the start of a school day.
- Discuss it when you all have time, e.g. a weekend, so that if they need time to reflect and emote, you can nip any issues in the bud.
- Pre-empt questions like those above.
- Ask them if they have any questions and how they feel about what you've just told them.
- The hardest questions I've faced are the last two. The biggest tip I can give you is to be factual, take emotion out of it (I know it's hard!) and customise what you say to your audience (you know their level of understanding).
For older children, think about how you normally tell them about the big things in life. Do you slip it into conversation and see how this sticks? Do you sit them around the dinner table and have a family discussion? Do you sit in their bedroom and have a meaningful dialogue?
Ultimately, the decision to tell your children is your own and no one should judge you for the path you take. If you decide to hold off, be sure they won't find out by accident or through someone else; it's much better coming from you. Be prepared for an open discussion and encourage questions, no matter how tricky they can be.
In honour of MS Awareness Week, tune in tomorrow for information on asking for reasonable adjustments.
If you have enjoyed reading my blog and would like to be notified of new posts and information from other organisations, please follow me at https://www.facebook.com/myMSbullyandme
