The MS Bully
I am sometimes asked why I called this blog 'My MS Bully & Me' (I know it should read 'My MS Bully & I' however the 'Me' sounded better!).
I have always considered my MS as part of me, but not who I am. I often hear others saying their chronic condition doesn't define them, and perhaps this is what they mean. I see the MS as something I didn't ask for or deserve. An unhappy accident. A convergence of many different factors, both physiological and environmental, that just happened to culminate in creating this particular condition.
Whilst MS is relatively common, particularly in certain geographical areas, it has not featured in my immediate world or in my upbringing. I am the only one in my family to have this condition. In many ways, I am supremely grateful for this. But I do see it as something to bear, rather than any kind of blessing. I often refer to my condition as "my MS," when actually I feel it easier to think of the MS as a bully - something insidious. that controls me, which decides to rear its ugly head at the most inopportune times.
It seems fitting to talk about this now as I have had a challenging year with the MS. In recent weeks, I have been relatively housebound. I know this will change; I have faith that I will be closer to being where I was only a few months ago. I've realised that MS has its peaks and its troughs. I've been very fortunate that since my diagnosis, I've had more of the former than the latter. So, I see this as a trough, a blip, and I have to keep my eye on the prize which is to get better over time (even if I am the most impatient person on the planet).
Often, I refer to myself as an MS Warrior and most of the time, this is exactly how I feel. Today, however, this is not the case. My MS bully has won today. It won yesterday. It will probably win tomorrow, but that's okay. Sometimes, you have to concede, because either that particular day, your fight has left you or the energy you would have spent fighting it is best placed in resting.
For an extrovert like me, being grounded is very hard on the soul. I love people - the kinship, the new understanding, the humour, the shared journey. So, I seek this need for connectedness in alternative ways and these channels are often online. Usually, I employ a variety of strategies to keep my bully at bay, but today I am too tired for strategy, and I have to depend on the resources around me. I am an independent sort of person, and this too is somewhat challenging (keep it going, keep your eye on the prize!).
Yes, the primary reason for writing this blog was to support others and as a therapeutic mechanism, but it was also to beat the bully because with every word I write, I feel I am winning.
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