MSversary: The Bully is 10 Today
 |
| © C King |
This week is the ten year anniversary of my MS diagnosis. Having a diagnosis anniversary is unlike any other. You don’t celebrate. There are no gifts. It’s a reminder of how much you’ve lost and how far you’ve come. You remember it with both sadness and hope.
For me, it’s been an opportunity to reflect. Of course,
I’d be lying if some of this didn’t involve thinking about where I was as a
person ten years ago. No fatigue, lots of energy, virtually no pain (other than
the relapse confirming diagnosis) and living day to day. I never felt the need
to look back and had no concerns about my future.
I even wore heels.
I was diagnosed two months into my marriage and well into
the mindset of having children; not so much a want as it was a need. Even then,
I had other parallel health conditions, such as PCOS. Professionally, I was in
demand and at the peak of my career; very much an expert in my field.
When you reflect, it’s hard not to revisit the Kubler-Ross
curve. All that anger, frustration, grief come flooding back, only this time it’s
much easier to deal with than it was the first time, even if things have
changed dramatically.
My diagnosis day is a milestone for both my health and events that have completely changed my life. A year after my diagnosis, I was pregnant
(though I didn’t know) and the year after that I was planning my first Christmas
with my young baby. I mention this because
even in one year a lot can change and it doesn’t always have to be a good or bad
thing. You’re allowed to be ambivalent in your attitude toward your condition.
Ten years ago, Team Carla consisted of my GP, Neurologist
and MS nurse. In the last four years, my team has expanded to include a
Urologist, Gastroenterologist, Ophthalmologist, Neuro-physchologist and Neuro-physoptherapist.
Even though – and I mean this in the best possible way – I never wanted to meet
them, they are all working with me as experts in my health network.
Whilst it’s not really someone’s birthday or anniversary, it
is a chance for me to think about how far I’ve come as a person. I am, after
all, ten years older. I am a Career Coach, something I have wanted to be for such
a long time. I have this blog, which is an outlet for my thoughts and creativity,
a channel through which to improve cognitive skills, and a way to reach out to others
travelling similar journeys. I work with people who are both different to me
but like-minded; people with whom I am finally able to be authentic. I have a son
who is exactly the person I hoped he would be, and who makes me very, very proud.
Even in the last year and, in particular, the last few
horrendous months, I have managed to (mostly) find gratitude in the things that
have been good in my life, and to acknowledge the adaptability and sheer
resilience I have found in myself. I am smarter and more strategic with my time
and energy. I never knew my strengths. I certainly didn’t know them ten years
ago. Would I be the person I am today if it weren’t for the MS? Probably. Possibly.
May be.
I know my body better than ever which helps me adapt when the
MS decides to bully me, but I’m not going to say that I’m an expert. There are new things it throws at me, from time to time, and it’s clear that I’m still learning. But I know I
will get there, wherever ‘there’ takes me.
Let’s face it, I’m the sort of person that has to pack life
in to every nanosecond, but I am forcing myself to slow down, whether I
like it or not! This means that sometimes I have to turn a blind eye to the
dishes in the sink, or reschedule plans for things that I'd really looked forward to. However,
I don’t feel as guilty about this as I used to, because this is the new normal,
like it or not. I don’t feel that in ten years I have fully accepted the MS,
but I do feel that I am better at finding ways through.
I am also more open about the MS. In the two to three years following diagnosis, I was very cautious about who I shared this with and I was still getting my head around it all. There is no defined timeline to acceptance.
Where will I be in ten years? Whilst I am a very positive person, I am also a realist. I plan for things that may not ever happen, as I'm not one for surprises. I'm comfortable with this. As a Coach, I work with goals. In the last ten years, I've discovered that even with a chronic condition, not only can you have goals, you can also achieve them and that sometimes, you might just have to adapt them or put them in your pocket for a while. But that's for another post...
So, I don't have a glass of champagne on my anniversary. In fact, this is a cup of tea, but if you too have a diagnosis anniversary coming up, here's to you and your health!
If you have enjoyed reading my blog and would like to be notified of new posts and information from other organisations, please follow me at https://www.facebook.com/myMSbullyandme
