Managing Children & Anxiety Around Our Chronic Illness
 |
| Copyright: C King |
For the most part, my parenting is like that of any other. Yet parents with chronic illness know that this creates an extra level of complexity. When do we tell our children about our condition? How do we handle questions? What do we do with the guilt of not always being able to do the things that other parents appear to do without limitations?
I've spoken about chronic illness parenting guilt before. It's a unique emotion. This particular kind of guilt makes you doubt yourself. The biggest concern I have as a parent is am I doing it right? I always say it would be good if nature allowed us to give birth to our child, followed by a manual! My second concern as a parent is one specific to having a chronic illness: is my child worrying about me?
The last thing I would want is for my happy, confident child to develop anxiety because of my chronic illness. Over the last couple of years - a time when he has been the most conscious of my health and therefore asked the most questions - I've introduced a number of things. I thought I would pass these on in case these help you too.
Keep Talking
In our home, no question is off the table. Whatever your view is about when to tell your children about your condition, at some point they will need to talk about it. Most young children don't have filters so, as with most things, you need to be prepared at any time of the day (usually bedtime in our case) to deal with serious stuff. There is no right or wrong, just age-appropriateness, transparency and reassurance. Think of it this way: if they don't get this information from you, where will they and will it be scary or even accurate?Expressing Themselves
I bought my son a notebook. It has a lock on it (pah!), and usually contains a succession of doodles. But somewhere on these lined pages are his general thoughts on life and, undoubtedly, these will include concerns about my MS. At what time during the day he writes in this is a complete mystery (I suspect post-bedtime), but this is his private journal,and he shares the content with me when he wants to show me something important.Worry Dolls
Last year, I bought six tiny matchstick dolls in a pouch for him. The idea is that a child will tell these simple, Guatemalan-inspired dolls their worries, and shelves them away so that the doll carries their worries in their stead. Call it a temporary transference! The dolls mostly sit in his bedside table drawer, untouched for months. Occasionally, one will make its way under his pillow, and I know it's a prompt for me to have a chat. These worries are usually about something school-related; things I wouldn't consider huge but to an eight year old is the end of the world. As an MS parent, however, I am prepared for anything!Activities Together
I recently got back into mindfulness colouring in and my child likes to do this with me. This is an excellent exercise if you want to both of you to be present and still sufficiently lost in the activity that the child inadvertently opens up. Be prepared for some weird and wacky questions but it's a fantastic way to find out what is inside their heads for a little while.Mindfulness
I am working to get this into a routine but I regularly practice mindfulness. It doesn't take long, and is particularly useful when I lose perspective on something or feel overwhelmed by circumstances. Ironically, my son is particularly awake during bedtime, so I have a variety of techniques to calm him, and there is one exercise I do half an hour beforehand, which gets him to focus on one thing at a time for a short while.Communicating Externally
I expect this isn't everyone's approach but I've told my son's school about the MS. My child is too young to talk to his classmates about my condition in any profound way and, to be fair, any such conversation at their young age is likely to be extremely limited, so he talks to his teachers every now and then, and they talk to us if there are concerns. This ensures that we are all on the same page so messages are as consistent as possible. |
| Copyright: C King |
Yet, isn't the role of a parent to provide our children with the tools to allow them to be inquisitive and self-sufficient adults? As they grow older, I suspect we are more limited as to what our children will share with us. Conscious of this, I hope by teaching him some techniques I am not only preparing him to cope with any intrusive thoughts that might come his way, but also reinforcing that he knows who to come to not just about the MS but about, well, anything.
If you have enjoyed reading my blog and would like to be notified of new posts and information from other organisations, please follow me at https://www.facebook.com/myMSbullyandme
