Ghosting Someone with a Chronic Illness

Copyright: C King

It's been very helpful to put pen to paper on a topic I strongly suspect others may relate to. 

Ghosting: You may not be familiar with the term, but you're sure to have been ghosted in the past. It happens to many people. Firstly, if you have never heard of it, it's a verb.

What is ghosting? Lexico defines it as "The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication." I wish it also added something like "you're an idiot; you don't deserve my friendship" but apparently that's not allowed, or something! (pah!)

Note this says 'personal' relationship, as anyone you know can ghost you - your friend, someone you're dating, a colleague or family member. To clarify, we all lose touch with people over the course of our lives, but that isn't ghosting. The difference here is that ghosting is intentional. It's a sudden, conscious decision; one that will likely have an unpleasant impact on the person being set aside.

I am a sincere person and I have always (rightly or wrongly) expected that others will behave in the same way with me. Please don't assume that just because I have written this sentence I am naïve. Be reassured that I 'get' it: not everyone is as up front as I am. With relationships of any kind, I tend to over-analyse when something goes wrong, both because it happens so rarely and because they mean something to me. 

So on these rare occasions, it is a very natural assumption for those of us ghosted to think that we are culpable in some way. We'll run through conversations had and scrutinise our actions: "Did I do or say something wrong?"

I'll give you an example. A while ago, I reconnected with an old friend. We have drifted in and out of our lives over many years but when we last met, the conversation was as open and easy as it has always been. We talked of our next catch up; dates were to be arranged after holidays. However,all communication stopped and I was ghosted.

As well as self-blame, we also look at the wider 'why' question:

• When did it go wrong?
• Was there a barrier of some kind?
• Could they not handle my condition?
  

From time to time, I will hear of the disappointment someone with a chronic condition has, frustrated that a friend has deserted them due to their health. The potential that I may be dropped because of my MS quite frankly stings, but as ghosting may consist of any number of reasons, and in the absence of any confirmation, I have to consider this as a possibility. Anyone would be hurt by such an action. It basically says, "You don't mean anything at all to me; your condition got in the way."

Copyright: C 

I have plenty of acquaintances, but only a small select group of friends who mean very much to me, so when I invite you 'in', I really mean it. So Ghosting is the antithesis of all that I put out there. It's harsh, frustrating, and leaves the discarded person doubting themselves with no opportunity for discussion or resolution.

This isn't the first time I've experienced this phenomenon. When I was diagnosed with MS almost eleven years ago, I lost friends. As a collector of people, you might say this is quite careless!  

On reflection, what I have learned is that to continue to blame myself or to over-analyse will never do me any good as, unless they take a decency pill, I am unlikely to learn the real reason why someone stopped communicating with me. So here are some thoughts for the ghost and ghosted:

What to do if you're Ghosted

1. Focus on all of the people who love you and why you're special to them.
2. Challenge your thoughts - there are so many potential friendships out there to be had.
3. If someone cannot get over your condition,  then you need to get over them: friends support each other.
4. You're good as you are - No feedback? No change required!
5. Send them a brief message and enact closure. 

If you're thinking of Ghosting

1. Please don't!
2. If there is an issue, say it, no matter how uncomfortable. It's surely unfair to let us go without knowing the reason.
3. Have a conversation - if there has been a misunderstanding, it's hard to resolve if you don't talk to us about it.
4. Put yourself in our place - how would you feel if this happened to you?

I hate to give up on people, so it's frustrating to see that I'm not able to get in there and sort things out, as is in my nature. However, despite what some may think, people who care so generously, need also to see this reciprocated. What I have realised, in writing this blogpost, is that I can only control my own actions and hope that one day I will have an answer. 

And if there's one thing we know a lot about in our community, it's that we're good at hope.

If you have enjoyed reading my blog and would like to be notified of new posts and information from other organisations, please follow me at https://www.facebook.com/myMSbullyandme